Monkey Management

My beautiful and talented daughter Mattie Cummins and I are writing a business management book titled "Monkey Management."

Synopsis:

The gentle art of Monkey Management has been around since recorded time. In theory, it is a simple logic-based process: Produce positive action by delegation. In reality, using the rules of monkey management can be more fun than, well, a barrel of monkeys.

Monkey management has but 10 basic rules:

1) Get the monkey off my back. When faced with a chore, project, directive or deadline, figure out the best, most simple, and fastest way to get rid of the entity.

2) Monkeys can be transferred from one person to another at any time. This is especially true of the givee is subordinate to the giver. The best method if to find a subordinate to take the monkey and run with it. The second best way is to find a co-worker with a kind and nurturing heart and make up some excuse they will buy to get them to take the critter.

3) A monkey which is not properly transferred with proper documentation and a receipt affirmed will return to its original owner in a mutated form. The trail of the monkey must be followed with paperwork. Corporations love paperwork. And, documentation also is the perfect CYA maneuver.


4) Any monkey returned to its original owner will have twice as many diseases, quirks and teeth, and claws as its original form. It will also be in a foul mood for as long as the original owner has it.

5) A second attempt at transferring the original monkey back to the same party is impossible. A new host for said monkey must be found to promote harmony in the work environment.

6) When successful transfer of a monkey is accomplished, the original monkeyhost is not absolved of responsibility. Regular checks on condition, health and progress of monkey is a requirement of the transfer process.

7) Monkeys readily change their form. They often masquerade as life-forms that either require little maintenance (i.e., slugs), or as cute and cuddly (kanagroos), or as harmless (koala bears). It must be remember they are all monkeys and can, at the slightest provocation, can cause anxiety, affect bowel movements and, in severe cases, can eat your face off.

8) The best monkey is that which is transferred and the only thing you ever hear about it again is a positive report on its progress. With this monkey, you appear work-sufficient and successful in the gentle art of Proper Monkey Placement.

9) The worst monkey is one transferred to you with orders not to transfer it to anyone else. This type of monkey usually comes with suction cup feet and poisonous fangs. It enjoys clinging to YOUR back and wants to stay attached forever. If you are lucky, you can lure it into a file drawer and hope for a company crisis that makes the monkey invisible.

10) The boss has no monkey.