For the past four years or so, I've been working on a book tentatively titled "Spamming the Internet Spamming Scammer." The title pretty much says it all: I get a scam email and I work to "hook" the scammer into my "scam." 

On the positive side, many scammers are not sophisticated in the intricacies of the English language and, simply, do not seem to read the return emails. I assume they are looking for key words or phrases -- interested, money, tell me more, etc.

Below is the a recent scam letter and my response. I anticipate within 12 hours getting a positive response for my assistance and ... eventually ... my money to pay for shipping or handling or to pay a courier -- something.

For your amusement:

 

Hello Friend,

This is a life time opportunity and 100% legitimate. We quite understand you might be skeptical about this message due to the rapid of false organisation in the internet, so because of that my wife and I decided to make it known to the world by publishing it on the news. However, Violet my wife and I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see and to ease your skeptism. For so doing you do not need to be skeptical about this donation to you. My wife had cancer and as you could see from the webpage, am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no kids at this age. You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, we decided to donate the remaining of the $11Million to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the Red Cross, Haiti, hospitals in Truro where Violet underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with CIMB BANK PLC, the payout bank of this charity donation. We have kept just 2% of the entire lottery sum to our self for the raining day.

To facilitate the disbursement process of the funds [ $500,000.00 USD ] which have been donated solely to you, please send us your contact address and a Valid  Identification(i.e either Driver's License/International Passport of yours) so that we can forward your details over to the payout bank. We are hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country. We will employ you to do what you can to alleviate the level of poverty in your region and also try to enhance the standard of living of as many people as you can because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.

I like to re-assure you of the legitimacy of this Services as we will not be involved in any fraudulent act and will never be. We will advise as you as the "Sole Beneficiary" to be calm not to loose this great opportunity which millions of people are trying to entangled but the chances just couldn't come for them because a lot of people are out there to discourage them as they don't know how it works, and have never seen such before.

Sorry to inform you that I lost my wife last year due to cancer illness, though we started the drive of donating the fund but unfortunately i lost her along the line. And i am left alone to do this, but her memory still lives in me. so just try and get this donation soonest because know body knows tomorrow as i am not getting younger everyday.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful.

God Bless You

Allen and Violet Large

First, Mr. Large, I think it is large of you to be doing what you are doing, especially with your loss and all. I didn't know Violet but am gratefully sorry she is demised. Being demised is no fun. Death is tough, especially on the deceased.

I thought Violet was a living flower of life at first and when I found out she was succumbed I am glad she didn’t sign the letter. That would have been spooky.

I am a benevolent person and plan on giving generously to charities. The Right Rev. Dan Blocker and his right-hand pseudonym (is that the right word?) Hoss Cartwright has a charity for wayward girls called "The Hippy Hoppy House" in Romance, Arkansas. I want to give them money for a wing.

May I request they call it the Violet Large Wing after your late wife?

I have to go to the Just the Fax, Please faxing business downtown to get my drivers' license copied for emailing purposes. What bank information do you need? Will you directly deposit the check to my account? Do you want the regular account, the IRS-doesn't-know-about-it account or the savings account?

Allen (may I call you Allen?), I have to go to town today for the Wednesday service at our nondenominational church -- The Fist of God Temple. So I can get the scanner faxer thingee then. Is that soon enough? What else do I have to do?

Yours,

George "Bubba" Smith

One thing about the current state of politics: It's not about Obama or Romney, or the piddle of doofi in Washington on the Deficit that we elected to represent us. That packal of politicos can not -- CAN NOT -- make one whit of difference regardless of who is the president. For real positive reform, we all have to get of a like mind: Politicians do not run the government -- not the president nor the Congress. Rich people, rich companies who support the legal-but-stupid Superpacs and who pay lobbyists obscene amounts of money to see that legislation is passed that helps them make more money ... they run this country. Five words: Vote conscience and not party. Four words: Real election finance reform. Three words: Legislation affects everyone. Two words: Term limits. One word: Vote.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot...?

What
is it
the GOPers don’t
understand? Obama is playing
them for fools. And they
are guilt of aiding
and abetting him.
Obama wants
Romney.

When
Obama says
Romney would win
if election was held today,
he is challenging Republicans
to nominate him.
Easy pickings
theory?

Romney,
like Gore,
can’t relate to
ordinary men and women.
Despite “Y'alls” and baby kissing,
he thinks his wife
driving “two Cadillacs”
is somehow
endearing.

Panderer,
shape-shifter,
partisan party animal,
Romney is setting GOPers
up for a continuation of
the object of their
hatred and distrust:
Obama’s second
term.

Another bad trend rising ….

Trends come and go. Some slide in unannounced, and leave without a whimper of protest. Others slam in with a bang and persist despite an initial reaction of “What the ….?” (See “Rap” music. Or Elvis’s “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog.”)

A growing trend around the country involving the most precious of rights is taking hold … and grabbing attention.

Some companies, and even some schools, are requiring passwords to social network accounts – Facebook and Twitter, among others – so information posted and dialogues exchanged can be scrutinized.

A 12-year-old girl in Minnesota was called to the office and “forced” to give up her Facebook account password so an administrator could see what she had written about a specific hall monitor. The girl, with the help of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is suing the school, citing a concern that social media messaging is covered by the First and Fourth Amendments of the Constitution – free speech and freedom from illegal search.

The ACLU is right.

This case, and others like it, highly concerns about which private communications can be kept from those in authority.

The ACLU also recently forced the State of Maryland to stop requiring applications to provide their Facebook passwords when applying for jobs. The rationale for the requirement stemmed from the state wanting to “weed out applicants with links to gangs.”

Some universities, especially sports departments, have established guidelines to force athletes to allow coaches to view their “friends-only” Facebook accounts.

It is amazing that in this day and time that some folks in authority simply don’t understand the basic rights of Americans, specifically “freedom of speech” and “freedom from illegal search.”

Would executives of companies, governments or universities allow workers or students access to their private information?

As stated many times: Ignorance you can do something about; stupidity goes straight to the bone.

Ahhh, politics-2012 style

Does
anyone care
that Mitt is
a confirmed, registered Mormon?
Other than a few preachers
of the Southern Baptist
persuasion? Well, do
they?

Separation
of church
and state is
a fig newton of
our imagination. And we should
all just own up
to being prejudiced
about something,
sometime.

But
in November,
evangelicals will hold
their collective noses and
vote for THE Mormon instead
of THE Democrat. Ahhhh,
the smell of
politics is
ripe.

Timely lowku

Pakistani
terrorists are
like King Salmon.
Life is just fine,
until the time
seals show
up.

Tomorrow

If
today is
the first day
of the rest of
my life, what does that
say about tomorrow? Or,
yesterday? I'll think
about it ...
tomorrow.

Presidential lowku

Presidency
election 2012
will be decided
as always: Money plus
weasel words plus abject stupidity.
Voters hold key to
election. So use
the damn
key!

Time for a major change

Labels
set folks
against one another
by just simply existing.
No more Dems or GOPers.
Let’s birth a new
party for everyone:
The We’Uns
Party!

Money rules

Slap!

Pow! KABOOM!

Crash! Cha-CHING!

Sounds of the season

are echoing across the land

as politicians lasso hearts

and minds of

voters with

moolah.



Florida

grows lettuce.

But the ‘lettuce’

of PACs is dirty

and dumbifies the voters by

spewing vitriolic messages of

lies, hatred, misdeeds

of fellow

GOPers.

Time to make changes

Let’s play pretend.

Pretend for just for a minute I am a believer in the two-party system, that I believe that the Demogogues and Republicrats have all the good ideas, solutions and really, really care about the future of the country and its citizens.

Now, let’s pretend a bit more. Instead of an Independent, I am a full-fledged, registered, card-carrying Republicrat and I have to make a decision about whom to vote for in a primary – Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich.

What to do? What to do? First, after a bout of projectile vomiting followed by an intense migraine, I force myself into the voting booth and pull a level for … but, wait! Mitt is a superficial, smirky rich dude and Gingrich is a fraud, laughs at ethical matters and serial adulterer.

Let’s pretend I gain some sense of sanity … and turn around and walk out of the booth without voting for either one because of if this is the best the GOPers can do, I say to hell with it.

The state of politics today – the politics of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell and John Boehner – is an agitated state in which I do not wish to be a participating partner. It is time to change the way we look at politicians and take back this country.

That is possible only by the people rising up and passing amendments to the Constitution that will force the governance by elected officials to be directly in the direction as foreseen by the founders of this country.

The desired amendments:
1) Term limits for all federal officials – legislative and judiciary, from the House members to the Supreme Court. Eight years for House members (alternating terms with ¼ up for retirement every two years), and 12 for Senate and Supreme Court judges (1/3 up for retirement every four years).
2) PACs (companies/associations/special interests) are given same status as individuals, with firm, minimal limits on contributions. Elimination of anonymous ads – pro or con to a particular candidate or issue.
3) Balance the budget, no exceptions.

Every voter is sure to have a list of their own, but without real change in these three areas, there will be no substantial change that will benefit the country and its citizens. The only ones who really don’t want these changes are those who in public office or those that control them by taking advantage of the present laws.

GOP candidates falling on their own swords

My grandfather had a saying that seems remarkably quaint in this world of instant and haphazard communication: “Answer me this….” he’d say before getting to the nut of the real question.

“Answer me this,” he once said to a 20-something grandson who’d grown a beard, “what kind of statement are you making by cultivating something on your face that grows wild on your a**?”

Well, here’s one for Republicans:

“Answer me this? What kind of statement are you making by running a bunch of candidates for president that have the collective common sense of a box of hair?”

Before the back-arching and chin-bobbing conservatives get their undergarments in a wad, I’ve voted Republican; I once entered a state senatorial campaign as a Republican. At heart I’m a glit-flittered Independent because I believe no party, and certainly no candidate, has all the answers to the important questions.

That said, this bunch of GOPers don’t have answers for anything. Period.

Are you kidding me? A spoiled rich kid. A serial adulterer with a gift for gab and a grab for graft. A goofball space cadet Libertarian cum Republican. A pretty boy who looks like he’d wet his pants if someone hollered BOO!

Let’s admit it: Barak Obama has not had a good three-plus years. He was handed lemons in 2008 and he made rotten lemons out of what was left by Bush, Inc. Obama’s domestic policy is non-existent or leans toward non-workable programs. He spent too much intellectual and political capital on health care reform.

But it’s hard to find fault with Obama’s foreign policy decisions and that’s why the Four Horsemen of the GOP Apocalypse are not talking much about that particular area of global interest.

Looking at it from a logical perspective, Mitt Romney cannot be elected. Despite his bottomless pockets, he’s too slick, too out-of-touch and too Mormon. Oh, shut up! Are you telling me that the anti-Mormon vote will not be a factor in this race? Political correctness be damned. He’s a Mormon and that’s the end of that and X-number of voters won’t vote for a Mormon. (What? John Kennedy was a Catholic and he was elected? What’s your point? Romney is no Kennedy.)

Despite his glibness and having the fastest tongue in the campaign, Newt Gingrich cannot be elected. For one thing, a newt is a salamander and no way does “President Newt” generate confidence. For another, he’s been married three times. Any conservative Christian that votes for him is gonna have to wear the “hypocrite” sign to church the Sunday after the election.

Ron Paul is 76, a doctor, author, U.S. Representative, and has more screws loose than a Korean car manufactured at quitting time on Friday afternoon. In his third run for the presidency (in 1988 he ran as a Libertarian), his domestic agenda appeals to a lot of voters, but his views on foreign policy would isolate this country, guaranteeing a major hike in unemployment … and we all know where that leads.

Rick Santorum, the winner of the Iowa Caucus (yawn!) is, first and foremost, a politician. He wants to cut government spending – Don’t we all? – and has been a vocal critic of earmarks. (Yea! That’s a point!) He is so “packaged” that wore a sweater vest as a homey touch in campaign stops. (Take back the point!)

And he’s a patented panderer for votes. In Florida a woman told him Obama was “an avowed Muslim” and instead of doing the right thing and saying, “Ma’m, you have your facts wrong,” he simply said, “I’m trying my best to get him out.”

The right-wing fringe will own Santorum if he’s the candidate.

So, okay, let’s assume Obama needs to go after one term. Which candidate will take care of that little chore in November?

That person simply is not in the GOPer lineup now.

ABO (Anybody But Obama) won't win the office

GOPers,
are you
listening at all?
Mitt can not win
in a head-to-head
with Obama. Too rich,
too pandering, and
too darn
slick.

Obama,
at least,
has personal charm.
Mitt comes across as
an out-of-work peddler who
is selling snake oil
for what ails
every single
voter.

With
the field
now in evidence,
only hope to oust
Obama is for a third
party candidate to rise
like the phoenix
and offer
hope.

Agony of old age

Old
is relative.
Feeling old is
avoidable with heavy drugs.
Does anyone have any I
can borrow? Just kidding!
Now, where's that
bottle of
tequila?

The apocalypse is upon us

Egos
of sports
figures are huge.
Money and fame don't
guarantee a long life. Most
would settle on living
to at least
Ocho Cinco.
(Ouch!)

Politics, Iowa Style

Bachman
out, slain
by own sword.
Perry licking fatal wounds.
Romney, Santorum, Paul leaders of
weakest pack in GOP
history. Voters left
sucking hind
teat.