For the past four years or so, I've been working on a book tentatively titled "Spamming the Internet Spamming Scammer." The title pretty much says it all: I get a scam email and I work to "hook" the scammer into my "scam." 

On the positive side, many scammers are not sophisticated in the intricacies of the English language and, simply, do not seem to read the return emails. I assume they are looking for key words or phrases -- interested, money, tell me more, etc.

Below is the a recent scam letter and my response. I anticipate within 12 hours getting a positive response for my assistance and ... eventually ... my money to pay for shipping or handling or to pay a courier -- something.

For your amusement:

 

Hello Friend,

This is a life time opportunity and 100% legitimate. We quite understand you might be skeptical about this message due to the rapid of false organisation in the internet, so because of that my wife and I decided to make it known to the world by publishing it on the news. However, Violet my wife and I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see and to ease your skeptism. For so doing you do not need to be skeptical about this donation to you. My wife had cancer and as you could see from the webpage, am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no kids at this age. You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, we decided to donate the remaining of the $11Million to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the Red Cross, Haiti, hospitals in Truro where Violet underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with CIMB BANK PLC, the payout bank of this charity donation. We have kept just 2% of the entire lottery sum to our self for the raining day.

To facilitate the disbursement process of the funds [ $500,000.00 USD ] which have been donated solely to you, please send us your contact address and a Valid  Identification(i.e either Driver's License/International Passport of yours) so that we can forward your details over to the payout bank. We are hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country. We will employ you to do what you can to alleviate the level of poverty in your region and also try to enhance the standard of living of as many people as you can because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.

I like to re-assure you of the legitimacy of this Services as we will not be involved in any fraudulent act and will never be. We will advise as you as the "Sole Beneficiary" to be calm not to loose this great opportunity which millions of people are trying to entangled but the chances just couldn't come for them because a lot of people are out there to discourage them as they don't know how it works, and have never seen such before.

Sorry to inform you that I lost my wife last year due to cancer illness, though we started the drive of donating the fund but unfortunately i lost her along the line. And i am left alone to do this, but her memory still lives in me. so just try and get this donation soonest because know body knows tomorrow as i am not getting younger everyday.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful.

God Bless You

Allen and Violet Large

First, Mr. Large, I think it is large of you to be doing what you are doing, especially with your loss and all. I didn't know Violet but am gratefully sorry she is demised. Being demised is no fun. Death is tough, especially on the deceased.

I thought Violet was a living flower of life at first and when I found out she was succumbed I am glad she didn’t sign the letter. That would have been spooky.

I am a benevolent person and plan on giving generously to charities. The Right Rev. Dan Blocker and his right-hand pseudonym (is that the right word?) Hoss Cartwright has a charity for wayward girls called "The Hippy Hoppy House" in Romance, Arkansas. I want to give them money for a wing.

May I request they call it the Violet Large Wing after your late wife?

I have to go to the Just the Fax, Please faxing business downtown to get my drivers' license copied for emailing purposes. What bank information do you need? Will you directly deposit the check to my account? Do you want the regular account, the IRS-doesn't-know-about-it account or the savings account?

Allen (may I call you Allen?), I have to go to town today for the Wednesday service at our nondenominational church -- The Fist of God Temple. So I can get the scanner faxer thingee then. Is that soon enough? What else do I have to do?

Yours,

George "Bubba" Smith