GOP candidates falling on their own swords

My grandfather had a saying that seems remarkably quaint in this world of instant and haphazard communication: “Answer me this….” he’d say before getting to the nut of the real question.

“Answer me this,” he once said to a 20-something grandson who’d grown a beard, “what kind of statement are you making by cultivating something on your face that grows wild on your a**?”

Well, here’s one for Republicans:

“Answer me this? What kind of statement are you making by running a bunch of candidates for president that have the collective common sense of a box of hair?”

Before the back-arching and chin-bobbing conservatives get their undergarments in a wad, I’ve voted Republican; I once entered a state senatorial campaign as a Republican. At heart I’m a glit-flittered Independent because I believe no party, and certainly no candidate, has all the answers to the important questions.

That said, this bunch of GOPers don’t have answers for anything. Period.

Are you kidding me? A spoiled rich kid. A serial adulterer with a gift for gab and a grab for graft. A goofball space cadet Libertarian cum Republican. A pretty boy who looks like he’d wet his pants if someone hollered BOO!

Let’s admit it: Barak Obama has not had a good three-plus years. He was handed lemons in 2008 and he made rotten lemons out of what was left by Bush, Inc. Obama’s domestic policy is non-existent or leans toward non-workable programs. He spent too much intellectual and political capital on health care reform.

But it’s hard to find fault with Obama’s foreign policy decisions and that’s why the Four Horsemen of the GOP Apocalypse are not talking much about that particular area of global interest.

Looking at it from a logical perspective, Mitt Romney cannot be elected. Despite his bottomless pockets, he’s too slick, too out-of-touch and too Mormon. Oh, shut up! Are you telling me that the anti-Mormon vote will not be a factor in this race? Political correctness be damned. He’s a Mormon and that’s the end of that and X-number of voters won’t vote for a Mormon. (What? John Kennedy was a Catholic and he was elected? What’s your point? Romney is no Kennedy.)

Despite his glibness and having the fastest tongue in the campaign, Newt Gingrich cannot be elected. For one thing, a newt is a salamander and no way does “President Newt” generate confidence. For another, he’s been married three times. Any conservative Christian that votes for him is gonna have to wear the “hypocrite” sign to church the Sunday after the election.

Ron Paul is 76, a doctor, author, U.S. Representative, and has more screws loose than a Korean car manufactured at quitting time on Friday afternoon. In his third run for the presidency (in 1988 he ran as a Libertarian), his domestic agenda appeals to a lot of voters, but his views on foreign policy would isolate this country, guaranteeing a major hike in unemployment … and we all know where that leads.

Rick Santorum, the winner of the Iowa Caucus (yawn!) is, first and foremost, a politician. He wants to cut government spending – Don’t we all? – and has been a vocal critic of earmarks. (Yea! That’s a point!) He is so “packaged” that wore a sweater vest as a homey touch in campaign stops. (Take back the point!)

And he’s a patented panderer for votes. In Florida a woman told him Obama was “an avowed Muslim” and instead of doing the right thing and saying, “Ma’m, you have your facts wrong,” he simply said, “I’m trying my best to get him out.”

The right-wing fringe will own Santorum if he’s the candidate.

So, okay, let’s assume Obama needs to go after one term. Which candidate will take care of that little chore in November?

That person simply is not in the GOPer lineup now.