Visiting the Big Apple

Mattie Smith gives the photographer the 'evil eye'

Kyle Cummins poses for a photo by a
painted lady on the side of a bus

Just returned from a week in New York City. It was a trip I have many times in the past 25 years and, as always, it was great to get there, great to see the sights, great to enjoy the energy of a bustling metropolis … and great to get back home.

My two oldest children – both graduates of Marshall High – Dr. C. Jason Smith, tenured professor at LaGuardia College, and Mattie Smith Cummins, executive director of the Arizona Brain Injury Association – were having a small family get-together with their spousal units. I invited myself to crash their party.

Few things in life are as good as visiting New York City. My son and his wife, also a professor at LaGuardia, live in Queens so it’s no big deal to ride the subway (they do it two to four times a day), go to museums (they’ve been to them all at one time or another) or go to a Broadway play (been there, done that).

So Mattie and Kyle, her sweet but beleaguered husband, and I caught the newest revival of West Side Story at the vaunted Palace Theater, took a tour bus around Manhattan and saw the Naked Cowboy freezing his g-string off in Times Square. (On his guitar. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

I think I saw David Letterman once, and am fairly certain I saw Miska Silverman, whom I didn’t know and still don’t. But Miska felt compelled to introduce herself while I was leaning on a lamp post looking at the forbidding mass of humanity surging this way and that, not unlike a flock of starlings on a mission.

I took pictures of my daughter in a Subway shop where the signs were in Spanish, standing under a mosaic cowboy hat on a subway platform, and with her husband sitting in a giant baseball glove in Times Square.

We went to the world’s largest Hershey’s store. As we entered we each got a free piece of chocolate. I turned around and went back outside and came in again to see if I could get another free piece. The woman gave me a friendly scowl and shook her finger in my face. She was very good at her job.

Across the street we made a stop at M&M World. I bought a pair of M&M boxers that I probably will never wear unless I’m sure I won’t be in a wreck and have to go the hospital, and a sackful of M&Ms in 22 different colors.

But I couldn’t believe my eyes at what greeted me at the corner of 5th Avenue and Something Street. A street vendor was selling condoms. In more than 10 years in Marshall, I never once saw a single street vendor selling condoms. Not even at the FireAnt Festival.

These were not just any condoms, but three different ones featuring President Obama, one that featured Sarah Palin and one with John McClain’s face gracing the cover.

Each variety not only had a cutesy saying across the top but in small letters had gross declarations about the special qualities or usefulness of the product.

I am a patriotic American and I think it’s absolutely disgusting that the president of the United States, a distinguished American hero and senator, and a backwoods moose killer are ridiculed in this ticklish manner.

And, that’s why I only bought one of each.