For more than two years, my daughter, Mattie Smith Cummins, and I have been working on a simple, fun project we call “Screwing the Internet Spamming Scammers.”
The formula is simple: Get a scam letter from someone wanting to steal money via email … and then hook them into an email relationship via promises of quick wealth.
George “Bubba” Smith usually is a disabled Rascal Scooter-driving antagonist living on an insurance settlement. He is backed up by – in various reverse scams – by his daughter, executive secretary, or masseuse, who takes on names like Kitty Smith Litter, Pepito Bismol, Dorita Chippette, and Vienna Smith Sousage.
For the most part, Mattie didn’t like the names assigned to her, but she got great fatherly advice on the matter: “Get over it, Pepito, and answer the dadgum email!”
Below is just a snippet from more than 170,000 words in emails collected. The project is now in editing stage.
Setup: Paul James is in Africa, and has some money secreted away and wants to disperse it to someone of character in the U.S. He wants his contact to send him money for “shipping” family treasures to the U.S., and then split the proceeds at some point.
This bit of correspondence picks up the email chain near the end of the working “relationship.” All writings, spelling, grammar (or lack thereof) has been left intact as they were sent or received.
Message: Oct. 3, 10:42 a.m.
Dear George Smith,
Well the whole thing is getting me tired over here which i guess i have to stop mailing you because at this time we are not progressing with this transaction anay longer because i told you that the two documents will be issued to us from nigeria here and its from the federal high court of justice which the london bank demanded from you and i also told you to we are going to secure the two documents for you over here and send it to the bank in london and also to you so that you will submit it but you still keep on telling me a different thing but to be sincere with you now am getting tired of the whole thing and wishes to allow you be your self for now till you go to london as you wish.
Barrister Paul James
Message: Oct. 3, 2:49 p.m.
Paul:
If you think you are tired, you ought to try and walk a mile in my shoes!!!! If I could walk, that is. You're messing up here, big time. My daughter Kitty Litter and I were coming to Africa to meet you in person and offer you a fulltime job as manager of our African holdings. We don't have any yet, but we will. I want to start a critter preserve ... not the jam kind, but the protected little, furry animal kind and I need a manager because I can't recide in Africa forever.
As you sure you want to pull out of this deal this late in the game? I have my insurance trust fund and that is more than enough to buy me a bunch of Africa. Think of it, Paul James, a place where little gauzenels don't have to be afraid of being shot, where little funny looking baby giraffes can jump and play without fear of being poached. Or barbequed!
I will send you the money today to get your business taken care of down there, but we've emailed so long I need the instructions one more time. If after the deal is done, you don't want to work for me, fine. Maybe you can hook me up with someone else who can manager the preserve I’m naming after my mother’s maiden name: The Smuckers Preserve for Little Furry Animals.
I'm tired, too, Paul, but let's get untired together and get this deal going!
George "Bubba" Smith
Message: Oct. 4, 5:44 p.m.
Well i want you to know that doing business is of mind and also having pleasure is also your ability because i have never told you that i am looking for a job to be a manager of someones company and also you said you want to send me money for my own business down here which i dont found it to be serious because all i told you is just for you to get the money for the documents which will be issued to you but tell you that i dont need your money till i hear from you on the phone, so give me your real phone number and not the fake one you have been given to me or you call me so we can talk on phone so that you will not thinl am interested in your money, so if not so i guess i have to have my peace for now because you are taking me for granted.
Regards.
Barrister Paul James
Message: Oct. 3, 9:19 p.m.
Well, Paul, this business is bad business. I don't want no Nigeriaite working for me that thinks a little piddling money is better than a whole pisspot full of money like I was planning on giving you. That's short-sited thinging, and you are not the man for me. You just don't get it. I don't really NEED the money you are planning to send me. I got money. What I don't got are good, strong, loyal, good-hearted, African Christian sumbitches to work their asses off to make me even more money that I got now! It's like politics: It's not the money. It's the power that money buys!
I have given you my number 27 ways to Sunday and it's right -- 614-3295-8544. Now if you or your operator-type people can't punch them little buttons, then that's not my farking fault!
I won't call you because I have tried and the calls never go through. Too damn many numbers is what Mable the operator tells me. So, Paul, piss away a good thing because you can't make a decision if you want to. But I am going to get some land in your damn country and I'm going to have my preserve for the little furry animals. Are you in or out?
P.S. And, a word of advice, Paul James, saying "Regards" at the end of a snotty letter when you don't mean it is like wee-weeing on man's boot when he's wearing sandals. You know what I mean? George "Bubba" Smith
Message: Oct. 4, 10:36 p.m.
George or whatever you called your name, well i guess you are such a useless man by insulting a man like me because since we started this deal i have never insulted you and that is why you mail the bank in london and insulted the man over there which i understand now that you an a useless ***hole of a man because you dont have respect for humanity but i bet you that if you come to my country i will surely make your life misrable for you which am sure of breaking your ass and also squeezing your ****ing neck and twist it to a dead man but alive so becareful the way you talk to people you dont know which i know that you take a lot of alchohol which intorsicate your ***ing brain which made you not to be able to talk mannerly,***holll
Message: Oct. 4, 12:02 p.m.
Well, Mr. Paul James, ain't we the big man in the International Cussing Circus? I take exception with your characterizations of moi. But, moreso, I take exception to your inability to properly use English and your punctuation skills are -- How can I phrase this? -- on an International Grammar Suckability Scale with 10 being English textbook perfect and 1 being Nigerian pig Latin with no punctuation, you're a rousin', rompin' .08! i have respect for humanity as exhibited by my being named "Humanitarian of the Year" by the Daughters of the Clan of the Cave Bear. As to making my life miserable, my second ex-wife took care of that for you.
For the record, Paul James, "***hole" does not have three l's. And as far as squeezing my "****ing neck" and breaking my "***," (his words, not mine, Lord!) that red-balling chicken truck what hit my rice-burner has already done that for you. I think that you are upset, Paul James, simply because you realize that you are passing up a chance of a lifetime in not going to work for me. That's it! That's why you are so angry, right? You screwed up and now you are attacking me because your mental aptitude is lower than a lizard's lip!
Take care, Paul James. Take care. May God have mercy on your soul for your frightful words.
As it is written in Sodom 12:3-5: Those who curseth shall then be cursed! And they shall feel my wrath for the words they spew are as swords to flesh.
Your friend,
George "Bubba" Smith
Message: Oct. 4, 6:02 p.m.
Listen in africa we practise english because of the colonised country but for your own information english is not our main language like you people over there in the usa but let me tell you that i am proud of being african man with a whole lot of sence but like the london bank manager told you that you are a ba**** half man, i guess that is what you are now because i will be looking for a man that can handle the business and not a w********** like you that has nothing but illetrate skull which alot of drinking has made you to be an idiot man, well i will mail you one day and inform you that i have succeded in transfering the money to another person because you are not worthy to do business with which i have seen things right from the begining and also know that a business who calls himself a business man cannot even be able to produce a good house phone number or a mobile phone which means that you are a tout along the street of america.
Monkey b******.
Message: Oct. 4, 6:29 p.m.
Come on, Paul James, don’t be so hard on yourself. You may be a lot of things, but I don’t think you’re a monkey b******. Are you? Let's part as friends. I will admit I am a bit "over the top" as we say in America. Now, you admit being a low-life Internet scammer that's trying to steal money from poor people like George "Bubba" Smith and his dingy, but likeable, daughter.
What's the matter, Paul James? Can't you find a real job? Is being a fake bare-aster the best you can do? Do you get a thrill from trying to con poor men and women who just want to help people -- and, I admit, are too greedy for their own good?
Go back and read the entire email thread, Barrister, from the very first contact. You will quickly realized that the expert con Paul James, barrister deluxe, was conned by an old boy from Arkansas and his daughter in Arizona. Don't you feel ashamed about your lack of sophistication in how to successfully move a con game from "initial contact" to "payoff?" What'd they teach you in Con Game 101? You must have been absent the day when they went over the chapter "How Not to Get Conned."
If you are the best con man on market these days, there's a bunch of our ilk that are going to freaking starve to death! I will pray for your mortal soul, Barrister, but because of your cursed attitude I will whisper the words and give God a nudge and a wink when I say them.
P.S. Oh, and Paul James, if I am an "idiot man," what does that make you for swallowing the Smith family's line of bull for sooooooooo long?
You were conned, Paul James. As we say in the potato patch: Can you dig it?
George "Bubba" Smith and Kitty Smith Litter
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